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Post by Josh on Sept 22, 2009 22:12:34 GMT -5
Its alittle bit more lovey dovey than what I usually write, but I wrote it with a certain person in mind.
I felt I should share it for some reason.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
Walk Among the Stars
You walk among the wires of my heart
Gently making your way to my fragile soul
The kindness you show to me cannot be dismissed.
It overwhelms me into this dream of emotion
I shall give you my all, my entire devotion.
You walk among the stars of the heavens
Like an angel watching closely over the steps I take
You are my balance in this ever-chaotic world
You are the beauty when there is none to behold
I shall love you with all I have, with my whole existence.
You shed a tear in the sadness of the moment
Making a piece of my heart slowly die
I am here to comfort, to share my love with you
I want to embrace you within my arms
I shall always be here for you, till eternity has its end.
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Post by Josh on Sept 23, 2009 12:23:14 GMT -5
Thanks rawshik.
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Post by feverstone on Sept 23, 2009 14:20:17 GMT -5
I like it, good consistent structure. Each stanza begins with her action and ends with your own, etc...
You also italicized it which is always a plus.
"I want to embrace you within my arms
I shall always be here for you, till eternity has its end."
^Awesome ending because you avoided a number of nasty clichés like "forever and ever," or "for all eternity" that are insanely irritating.
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Post by Josh on Sept 23, 2009 14:35:50 GMT -5
Thanks feverstone, most of my stuff has some cliche elements in it.
But I try harder and harder to stay away from it.
Its hard for me especially when Im such a huge power metal fan xD
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Post by Muffy on Sept 24, 2009 3:41:31 GMT -5
Nice work! I normally hate cliches....
This is ok, but I would never say it like this.
"I shall give you my all, my entire devotion."
It's kinda like you took really bad cliches and rearranged them to sound better.
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Post by Josh on Sept 24, 2009 10:21:54 GMT -5
I basically did. lol
But It worked out fairly well.
When I wrote it, the ideas just flowed from me, I didnt really have to think about the next line I was going to write.
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Post by Ghost (Samm) on Sept 26, 2009 17:14:34 GMT -5
Ithalyn, This is a beautiful piece. I am impressed that you managed to avoid most of the clichés that show in most love poetry. This made me feel happy reading it, that's something that's a good thing to have : being able to engage the readers.
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Post by Josh on Sept 26, 2009 21:40:34 GMT -5
Thank you so much Ghost, Im really glad you like it.
I try to aviod cliches as best I can, but I always try to put some of my own heartfelt emotion into my writing, and it usually turns out to be okay. ^-^
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Post by Ghost (Samm) on Sept 27, 2009 10:12:09 GMT -5
Hehe, you are most welcome! It's true, I think it's beautiful. I try to do the same thing in my writing.  Plus, we Canadians gotta stick together right?  |
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Post by Josh on Sept 27, 2009 11:56:12 GMT -5
Indeed we do! ;D
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Post by Ghost (Samm) on Sept 27, 2009 11:57:40 GMT -5
Hehehe! The downside of being a minority on the boards..  EDIT: OMG! Is your pic a Protoss pylon?!?!?!  |
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Post by Josh on Sept 27, 2009 12:05:34 GMT -5
Yes it is hehe.
I found this pic, and I was filled with joy. ;D
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Post by Ghost (Samm) on Sept 27, 2009 12:06:46 GMT -5
Oh my! That is perfect! It just made me happy! And yes, I know.. I'm a girl and it's weird that I occasionally play SC. |
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Post by Josh on Sept 27, 2009 12:10:38 GMT -5
Everyone should play starcraft, it doesnt matter who you are! D:
I havent played it in awhile...i should reinstall it.
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Post by Ghost (Samm) on Sept 27, 2009 16:02:05 GMT -5
Me too! Online.. (Y) |
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