Post by createsalvation on Jan 9, 2006 2:36:07 GMT -5
I am going to post here something I wrote for a different board about an incident that happened to me just last week... if some of it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, it's was written to a Slipknot board and to totally different people, but the last paragraph applies with you guys, too. Please read this.
Alright you guys, I've been changing lately, into something that I am really happy to be changing in to. I need to tell you all this because I feel it is my responsibility to do so, to give others hope, and maybe to show you guys wh I am the way I am or whatever, but I hope you guys don't just brush this off- I mean this, heart and soul.
I've seen all the death in our world nowadays, and all the sadness. Hell, I've even felt a lot of it.
Some of you may know about my ex girlfriend, Amanda. Only JT knows this story, but I am going to tell you all. I think it will help my case.
We broke up a while ago, but just recently we decided to get back together. I didn't want to see her destroy herself through the use of narcotics or be a whore or do anything that would hurt me. I was being selfish by taking her back and stopping her from hurting me, but I also felt I had no choice but to go back with her, because I knew she'd never leave me alone.
She was always of the very jealous type. She'd get mad if I talked to other girls, hung out with my friends over her, didn't do stuff with her. I was so caged in that I couldn't get out. Meanwhile, she had double standards, hanging out with her friends, talking to other guys, and I got so fixated on her mindset that I started acting the way she did to me, which only made both of us miserable.
I got so miserable that I would look at porn to get my mind off of her. I was so miserable that the porn made me not think about her, even though I knew how much it hurt her. When she found otu, we fought over and over and over, and it hurt me. It hurt her, and the sad thing is during this whole time she was the ONLY thing I cared about. I didn't care if I got hurt, as long as she was ok.
I have a Myspace account. Amanda hates Myspace because she believes it's a singles website where people go to date. We obviously know it's not, but she doesn't. She hates it because her dad used it to cheat on her mom 10 or 15 times. So naturally she thinks I will too. I use Myspace for the metal community on there, nothing else.
She was being moody all day last Wednesday. I wasn't sure why, figured she was just stressed or something. I caught up to her in the hall and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'just trying to get away from you.' I was confused. She kept telling me I did something, that I should be feeling guilty, that I'm a big piece of poop. I didn't feel guilty about anything, didn't do anything. But I walked away.
A few moments later, I stepped into the senior hall and saw her walking up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said 'you checked it January 3rd.' I knew she meant Myspace. But I didn't think it was a big deal, but she said I should have told her. I did tell her.
But we started fighting. We ducked into this little alcove in the hall when her friend came around the corner. It was at this point that a teacher and friend of mine came around the other corner. I was telling Amanda to calm down, that I was not doing anything wrong when she hit me. She hit me in the head.
It didn't hurt. It surprised me and I almost fell over because I was so shocked that this had just happened. She tried to swing again, but I pushed her back so she'd lose her balance. As she regained her balance I grabbed her hands to stop her from hitting me anymore and the teacher came and grabbed her. The teacher told us to go to the office. I started walking to the office, but the whole way all Amanda shouted was that I was a cheater and a liar and a piece of s**t. But I was fine with that, until I just lost myself and said 'screw it' and walked out to my car, her on my heels yelling about how she shouldn't have trusted me.
As I stepped into my car, she came around the other side to the passenger side. The door was locked so she couldn't get in and the school police officer and assistant principle were coming out after us. What she said here nearly destroyed me- "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOT THE COP INVOLVED! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU DIE, I HOPE YOU GET KILLED!" I have never seen so much hate in someone's eyes as I did that day. So I drove off, came home, put Cold on, and packed my bags. I was going to leave.
My mom came home to talk to me (she works at my high school so knew about the whole thing.) She talked me out of leaving, but made me write a witness statement because the school police officer was pressing charges on Amanda and I for disorderly conduct. According to Amanda, I had hit her three times that day, as her friend 'confirmed' with Amanda. However, the teacher that witnessed the whole thing said I did NOT hit Amanda, and this was furthered by lack of marks on Amanda's body, where she said I hit her.
My mom went back to school and I stayed home. I was a wreck, bawling and thinking about all the good times Amanda and I had, thinking about how much better it could have gotten, then thinking about how wrong I was to have Myspace, blaming myself for everything. I was destroyed.
My mom called to tell me that I had received a day and a half of out of school suspension, and she had received three days. She was forced to go to court that day because she was arrested, and she had to appear at the court house to be informed of the restraining orders placed on her and I. We were not allowed to have any contact with one another. She was also told that she would have to be at court on Friday (the incident occured Wednesday) for an advisement of charges against her. So far, the DA hasn't decided if charges will be pressed on me or not.
Friday rolled around and I was told by my mother who had spoken to the presiding school officer that she was telling the courts that I had been hitting her since the start of our relationship. Whether you guys believe me or not, this is not true. We had had some vicious fights, and I had slapped her at times that she was trying to hurt or kill me or my animals, but I wasn't hitting her since the start of our relationship. It was the other way around, she was always so aggressive to me, she'd hit me... it was a bad, bad relationship.
But it was at this time that I needed God more than ever. And I don't know how I know, but I knew God was there, right next to me, watching me and blessing me. I knew because I found myself getting rid of my cursing CD's and some of my favorite CD's to get CHRISTIAN metal CD's. Christian metal is my love now, and I believe it's because God knew that's what I needed, and he made it available to me.
I guess the whole point of this thread is that I believe, no matter what you believe, whether you're atheist, agnostic, whatever, God IS there, watching each and every one of us. His impact is just greater on some people than others. I know God's impact on Parse's life due to his recent losses will be tenfold what it would be on an atheist, but simply because Parse is opening his heart to God, whereas atheists have their hearts closed to God. I think you all need to read the lyrics to these songs, and whether you agree with them or not is your choice, but I know they will help some people. These lyrics are from Sinai Beach.
'The God I Would Be'
Never before tonight did I think I could kill a man
And sink a knife deep into skin,
But I could kill you.
Surely I could wreck you,
Because you wrecked them.
You rapists, you abusers,
You thieves, you murderers.
I've taken my look around
And all I've seen leads me to believe
That if I was God,
Heaven would be nearly empty
And Hell would be overflowing.
So thank God that I'm not God,
And praise Him for being nothing like me.
I would have forsaken man.
So praise Him for being nothing like me,
'Cause I would have let this world burn.
If I was God, I would do unto you things unthinkable,
Far beyond cruel and unusual.
So thank God that I'm not God,
And praise Him for being nothing like me.
I would have forsaken man.
So praise Him for being nothing like me.
For those who ask,
He gives His grace kindly.
His forgiveness is beyond me.
I would have let this world burn.
And even to the most perverted man,
And even to the most wretched man,
His glory and mercy is given.
'Necessary Bloodshed'
Lord, what more than little good has Your death done?
Lord, why did you give Your Son?
Surely You did it for more than this.
The world lives on in ignorance, filth, and arrogance.
Man wreaks havoc on his inheritance.
Surely You gave Your life.
Surely You gave Your blood,
And Your flesh for more than this.
Lord, what more than little good has Your death done?
Lord, why did you give Your Son?
Surely You did it for more than this.
Your covenant lies highly rejected.
Sadly, it is seldomly accepted.
Yes, to me it means everything,
But to most it means nothing.
Surely You gave Your life.
Surely You gave Your blood,
And Your flesh for more than this.
Surely You died for more than this.
The reason is I.
The reason is one.
You'd suffer and die all over again
For one single person.
And if that one should reject You,
That is the very essence of You:
To give the chance to choose.
These songs show us how good of a God we truly do have, but they also show us how blind the world is to God. People don't realize the impact he has, whether it be in the churches, in the public, or IN OUR HEARTS. God has completely changed my life the past couple of years in several different ways, but I honestly have not felt as close to God ever as I do after this incident with Amanda. I know that he did this to get me away from the pain, and he was there for me, even when I didn't ask. I didn't ask him to get me through this because I felt that there were others out there that needed help more than I did (namely her. I prayed for him to help her through this.) He gave me Christian metal because it has made me so much more in tune with him, which has made this incident that much easier, but it has also made me that much happier.
I guess what I want to say is that I LOVE GOD. I truly, truly love God. And God loves each and every one of us, believer or not. And God loves Parse, and He will make Parse's pain ease, and will make Parse's life great, because Parse believes and has opened his heart to God. He will ease all our pains, one person at a time.
I love you all... You all feel like family, even though I've never met any of you. I want to thank all of you for being in my life, for being my friend. And I want to thank God for making all of us, and for putting all of us together, to love and to cherish, no matter if we've ever met physically or not. Thank you so much you guys, and thank you so much God.
-Love, Luke
Alright you guys, I've been changing lately, into something that I am really happy to be changing in to. I need to tell you all this because I feel it is my responsibility to do so, to give others hope, and maybe to show you guys wh I am the way I am or whatever, but I hope you guys don't just brush this off- I mean this, heart and soul.
I've seen all the death in our world nowadays, and all the sadness. Hell, I've even felt a lot of it.
Some of you may know about my ex girlfriend, Amanda. Only JT knows this story, but I am going to tell you all. I think it will help my case.
We broke up a while ago, but just recently we decided to get back together. I didn't want to see her destroy herself through the use of narcotics or be a whore or do anything that would hurt me. I was being selfish by taking her back and stopping her from hurting me, but I also felt I had no choice but to go back with her, because I knew she'd never leave me alone.
She was always of the very jealous type. She'd get mad if I talked to other girls, hung out with my friends over her, didn't do stuff with her. I was so caged in that I couldn't get out. Meanwhile, she had double standards, hanging out with her friends, talking to other guys, and I got so fixated on her mindset that I started acting the way she did to me, which only made both of us miserable.
I got so miserable that I would look at porn to get my mind off of her. I was so miserable that the porn made me not think about her, even though I knew how much it hurt her. When she found otu, we fought over and over and over, and it hurt me. It hurt her, and the sad thing is during this whole time she was the ONLY thing I cared about. I didn't care if I got hurt, as long as she was ok.
I have a Myspace account. Amanda hates Myspace because she believes it's a singles website where people go to date. We obviously know it's not, but she doesn't. She hates it because her dad used it to cheat on her mom 10 or 15 times. So naturally she thinks I will too. I use Myspace for the metal community on there, nothing else.
She was being moody all day last Wednesday. I wasn't sure why, figured she was just stressed or something. I caught up to her in the hall and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'just trying to get away from you.' I was confused. She kept telling me I did something, that I should be feeling guilty, that I'm a big piece of poop. I didn't feel guilty about anything, didn't do anything. But I walked away.
A few moments later, I stepped into the senior hall and saw her walking up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said 'you checked it January 3rd.' I knew she meant Myspace. But I didn't think it was a big deal, but she said I should have told her. I did tell her.
But we started fighting. We ducked into this little alcove in the hall when her friend came around the corner. It was at this point that a teacher and friend of mine came around the other corner. I was telling Amanda to calm down, that I was not doing anything wrong when she hit me. She hit me in the head.
It didn't hurt. It surprised me and I almost fell over because I was so shocked that this had just happened. She tried to swing again, but I pushed her back so she'd lose her balance. As she regained her balance I grabbed her hands to stop her from hitting me anymore and the teacher came and grabbed her. The teacher told us to go to the office. I started walking to the office, but the whole way all Amanda shouted was that I was a cheater and a liar and a piece of s**t. But I was fine with that, until I just lost myself and said 'screw it' and walked out to my car, her on my heels yelling about how she shouldn't have trusted me.
As I stepped into my car, she came around the other side to the passenger side. The door was locked so she couldn't get in and the school police officer and assistant principle were coming out after us. What she said here nearly destroyed me- "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOT THE COP INVOLVED! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU DIE, I HOPE YOU GET KILLED!" I have never seen so much hate in someone's eyes as I did that day. So I drove off, came home, put Cold on, and packed my bags. I was going to leave.
My mom came home to talk to me (she works at my high school so knew about the whole thing.) She talked me out of leaving, but made me write a witness statement because the school police officer was pressing charges on Amanda and I for disorderly conduct. According to Amanda, I had hit her three times that day, as her friend 'confirmed' with Amanda. However, the teacher that witnessed the whole thing said I did NOT hit Amanda, and this was furthered by lack of marks on Amanda's body, where she said I hit her.
My mom went back to school and I stayed home. I was a wreck, bawling and thinking about all the good times Amanda and I had, thinking about how much better it could have gotten, then thinking about how wrong I was to have Myspace, blaming myself for everything. I was destroyed.
My mom called to tell me that I had received a day and a half of out of school suspension, and she had received three days. She was forced to go to court that day because she was arrested, and she had to appear at the court house to be informed of the restraining orders placed on her and I. We were not allowed to have any contact with one another. She was also told that she would have to be at court on Friday (the incident occured Wednesday) for an advisement of charges against her. So far, the DA hasn't decided if charges will be pressed on me or not.
Friday rolled around and I was told by my mother who had spoken to the presiding school officer that she was telling the courts that I had been hitting her since the start of our relationship. Whether you guys believe me or not, this is not true. We had had some vicious fights, and I had slapped her at times that she was trying to hurt or kill me or my animals, but I wasn't hitting her since the start of our relationship. It was the other way around, she was always so aggressive to me, she'd hit me... it was a bad, bad relationship.
But it was at this time that I needed God more than ever. And I don't know how I know, but I knew God was there, right next to me, watching me and blessing me. I knew because I found myself getting rid of my cursing CD's and some of my favorite CD's to get CHRISTIAN metal CD's. Christian metal is my love now, and I believe it's because God knew that's what I needed, and he made it available to me.
I guess the whole point of this thread is that I believe, no matter what you believe, whether you're atheist, agnostic, whatever, God IS there, watching each and every one of us. His impact is just greater on some people than others. I know God's impact on Parse's life due to his recent losses will be tenfold what it would be on an atheist, but simply because Parse is opening his heart to God, whereas atheists have their hearts closed to God. I think you all need to read the lyrics to these songs, and whether you agree with them or not is your choice, but I know they will help some people. These lyrics are from Sinai Beach.
'The God I Would Be'
Never before tonight did I think I could kill a man
And sink a knife deep into skin,
But I could kill you.
Surely I could wreck you,
Because you wrecked them.
You rapists, you abusers,
You thieves, you murderers.
I've taken my look around
And all I've seen leads me to believe
That if I was God,
Heaven would be nearly empty
And Hell would be overflowing.
So thank God that I'm not God,
And praise Him for being nothing like me.
I would have forsaken man.
So praise Him for being nothing like me,
'Cause I would have let this world burn.
If I was God, I would do unto you things unthinkable,
Far beyond cruel and unusual.
So thank God that I'm not God,
And praise Him for being nothing like me.
I would have forsaken man.
So praise Him for being nothing like me.
For those who ask,
He gives His grace kindly.
His forgiveness is beyond me.
I would have let this world burn.
And even to the most perverted man,
And even to the most wretched man,
His glory and mercy is given.
'Necessary Bloodshed'
Lord, what more than little good has Your death done?
Lord, why did you give Your Son?
Surely You did it for more than this.
The world lives on in ignorance, filth, and arrogance.
Man wreaks havoc on his inheritance.
Surely You gave Your life.
Surely You gave Your blood,
And Your flesh for more than this.
Lord, what more than little good has Your death done?
Lord, why did you give Your Son?
Surely You did it for more than this.
Your covenant lies highly rejected.
Sadly, it is seldomly accepted.
Yes, to me it means everything,
But to most it means nothing.
Surely You gave Your life.
Surely You gave Your blood,
And Your flesh for more than this.
Surely You died for more than this.
The reason is I.
The reason is one.
You'd suffer and die all over again
For one single person.
And if that one should reject You,
That is the very essence of You:
To give the chance to choose.
These songs show us how good of a God we truly do have, but they also show us how blind the world is to God. People don't realize the impact he has, whether it be in the churches, in the public, or IN OUR HEARTS. God has completely changed my life the past couple of years in several different ways, but I honestly have not felt as close to God ever as I do after this incident with Amanda. I know that he did this to get me away from the pain, and he was there for me, even when I didn't ask. I didn't ask him to get me through this because I felt that there were others out there that needed help more than I did (namely her. I prayed for him to help her through this.) He gave me Christian metal because it has made me so much more in tune with him, which has made this incident that much easier, but it has also made me that much happier.
I guess what I want to say is that I LOVE GOD. I truly, truly love God. And God loves each and every one of us, believer or not. And God loves Parse, and He will make Parse's pain ease, and will make Parse's life great, because Parse believes and has opened his heart to God. He will ease all our pains, one person at a time.
I love you all... You all feel like family, even though I've never met any of you. I want to thank all of you for being in my life, for being my friend. And I want to thank God for making all of us, and for putting all of us together, to love and to cherish, no matter if we've ever met physically or not. Thank you so much you guys, and thank you so much God.
-Love, Luke
