|
|
Post by Brent on Sept 22, 2009 6:27:08 GMT -5
An opportunity to escape the numbness
Occurrence of chance
One day warmth is there, one night it disappears
During the morning escaping me, carried away
An afternoon passes, slowly fade
Midnight approaches, endorphins release
Turn out the lights, halted instincts
No patterns, just confusion
Only feelings of disillusion
Remaining comatose for the time being
Sights and sounds deceiving
Creation of hope
Diet of believing
Creating spirals on both ends
This is all your head
Cleansed and washed away
Accumulation
Disarray
|
|
|
|
Post by alastairjohnjack on Sept 22, 2009 8:00:56 GMT -5
There is no creation, there is only chance.
|
|
|
|
Post by feverstone on Sept 22, 2009 15:09:29 GMT -5
Are you following any sort of meter here?
|
|
|
|
Post by Brent on Sept 22, 2009 16:29:31 GMT -5
should it? I don't pay attention to that stuff, my poems usually have some sort of rhythmic scheme to them, but that's just how they turn out.
|
|
|
|
Post by feverstone on Sept 22, 2009 17:09:01 GMT -5
No, it doesn't. I was just wondering if it did. That's why I suck at poetry, because I concentrate too much on stuff like that.
"Remaining comatose for the time being
Sights and sounds deceiving
Creation of hope
Diet of believing
Creating spirals on both ends
This is all your head
Cleansed and washed away
Accumulation
Disarray"
^I really like that part. You've got excellent rhyme and structure. I think if you add some extra syllables it would make it flow better.
Eg:
"Cleansed throughout and washed away,
Accumulation, Disarray."
Or something like that, I dunno. Either way, I like it.
|
|
|
|
Post by scribe on Sept 22, 2009 18:21:31 GMT -5
Man I wish I could write lyrics. I suck at that crap.
|
|
|
|
Post by Josh on Sept 22, 2009 18:56:13 GMT -5
I can write lyrics fairly well.
Anyway, good job Brent.
|
|
|
|
Post by Brent on Sept 23, 2009 5:56:01 GMT -5
Man I wish I could write lyrics. I suck at that crap. best advice I can give is use an online thesaurus so you don't use words like "nice" and "happy" |
|
|
|
Post by feverstone on Sept 23, 2009 6:16:08 GMT -5
The Thesaurus is my favorite type of dinosaur.
|
|
|
|
Post by scribe on Sept 23, 2009 7:19:06 GMT -5
best advice I can give is use an online thesaurus so you don't use words like "nice" and "happy" I can't even find a topic that I want to write about. Feverstone, your jokes are painful. |
|
|
|
Post by Josh on Sept 23, 2009 10:30:39 GMT -5
What I do is I look up mythology or things that inspire me the most, and I just start writing my interpitation of those stories and I usually write 3-4 lyrics from one concept.
|
|
|
|
Post by feverstone on Sept 23, 2009 14:13:18 GMT -5
best advice I can give is use an online thesaurus so you don't use words like "nice" and "happy" I can't even find a topic that I want to write about. Death and love. I think that's all lyrics are about nowadays. |
|
|
|
Post by Muffy on Sept 24, 2009 3:44:01 GMT -5
I can't even find a topic that I want to write about. Death and love. I think that's all lyrics are about nowadays. Or take a high school science book and get ideas from that. Or watch the latest chic flick. |
|
