A Lover’s Betrayal

[Josh]

I wanted to write a doomish type lyric, and this is what I came up with.
I hope you enjoy it.

A Lover’s Betrayal

In this moment of silence
I can hear a whisper of a scream
A desperate cry for salvation
Her hallow soul wanders the land
Weeping under the light of the pale moon.

At edge by the lake, I can behold her translucent silhouette
A mist of her ever-looming despair embraces the town
And her lament can be heard in the bone chilling winds...

“Thou betrayed me and thou hath bound me to eternity
My love, thou tore my soul into blackened shards of agony
My tears shall water the blossoming sorrow I hold in my heart.”

The spell that entombed her soul
Keeps her from entering into the sphere of heaven
The tale of betrayal and deceit are written on her heart
Only the prayers of holy Saints may break her chains.

[clareabel]

Overall, it's good

A couple of things:
"Her hallow soul wanders the land" This makes no sense unless "hallow" is changed to "hallowed".
"A mist of her ever-looming despair embraces the town" Town is a harsh sound and so stands out oddly.
"Thou betrayed me and thou hath bound me to eternity" "Thou hast" sounds so much better.

[Brent]

wouldn't hallowed be implying that her soul was solid at one point?

I don't see the problem with saying "her hallow soul"

then again, I'm not an english nazi and don't claim to know everything about the language, etc

[clareabel]

"Hallow is a word usually used as a verb, meaning "to make holy or sacred, to sanctify or consecrate, to venerate".[1] The adjective form hallowed, as used in The Lord's Prayer, means holy, consecrated, sacred, or revered."

But there again, Ithalyn may have meant to say hollow.

[Brent]

oops I read it as "hollow"

guess it happens when you're tired and posting this late (its 3 am now)

[alastairjohnjack]

go to bed son.

[clareabel]

Oct 7, 2009 5:01:24 GMT -5 Brent said:

oops I read it as "hollow"

guess it happens when you're tired and posting this late (its 3 am now)

No worries. You need to sleep more. And eat your greens.

[Josh]

I wrote this one rather quick, so there is mistakes no doubt.

I meant to say Hollow btw, I always get hallow hollow mixed up.

But thanks for the help clare

And does village sound better than town?

[alastairjohnjack]

brocolli are good greens!

[Josh]

So is spinach!

[dismalmorgue]

lovely.
good jorb

[Josh]

I dont know what a jorb is, but thanks!

[tohellwithhades]

Oct 7, 2009 23:49:41 GMT -5 Josh said:

I dont know what a jorb is, but thanks!

Homestar?

[Josh]

lol?