As Night Becomes Eternity

[Josh]

I've been feeling kind of depressed as of late, and I write to cope with sadness, anger etc.
So yeah, this an other doom type lyric I wrote, enjoy.

As Night Becomes Eternity

So hurt and broken
How could of I let this happen?
With my mind so clouded by these emotions
I gave into my own demise.

I lay here cold and naked
My bones feel like they will break
My heart stops in sorrow.

I cry out into the night
Shedding tears of solitude
I cling to myself in agony
Hoping this will be the death of me.

I have hoped for light to shine through my window
But I am wandering in my misery
With no path to lead me out
This starless night shall last for eternity.

[Brent]

I liked the last stanza

[Shiv]

Oh my god


You are so bad at this

[Josh]

Bad at writing, making posts, doing stuff,living,etc?

And thanks Brent.


The thing to note, I only wrote this about 45 mins ago.

So there is room to make it better.

[feverstone]

It's not bad. Most first-draft poetry is a little raw. (For the lack of a better word?)

Personally, I'd add another line to the second stanza so they each have 4 lines. Unless you mean for it to be some sort of chorus. In that case, I'd probably repeat it.

I cry out into the night
[Shedding tears of solitude
I cling to myself in agony]
Hoping this will be the death of me.

I have hoped for light to shine through my window
[But I am wandering in my misery
With no path to lead me out]
This starless night shall last for eternity.

Intentional or not, I like the way these middle lines connect. Solitude with embracing oneself, wandering with paths.

But yeah, always room to improve.