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Post by notavailable on Nov 9, 2009 3:55:53 GMT -5
When sadness came You were not there for me When I called your name You had nothing to say Under blackened skies I stood my ground alone Tears ran from my eyes But you never wiped them dry When the rain fell I found no shelter in you When I was in hell I was given no outstretched hand On the coldest nights You never called me in Shivers ran down my spine But you never embraced me
When darkness came I was there for you When you called my name I heard everything you had to say When your fears closed in You never had to face them alone Tears ran from your eyes And I always wiped them dry When everything fell I became a shelter for you When the storm would not quell I held you in my arms When you were alone at night I came and embraced you I turned on the light I brought you in
I keep coming back I keep coming back to your steps Like a wretched dog Like a bitter servant
I keep coming back I keep coming back to your door Like a wretched dog Like a bitter servant
I keep coming back I keep coming back to your feet Like a wretched dog Like a bitter servant
I keep coming back I keep coming back to you Like a f**king wretch Like a bitter servant
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Post by Shiv on Nov 9, 2009 4:46:13 GMT -5
eeehhhhhhhhhh......
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Post by notavailable on Nov 9, 2009 13:23:25 GMT -5
IF JACOB BANNON HAD WRITTEN IT YOU'D LIKE IT
on the fly, at 1 am.
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Post by Josh on Nov 9, 2009 18:18:31 GMT -5
The only thing I had a problem with is the last 4 stanzas, the rest had good imagery and decent flow.
I like it.
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Post by Brent on Nov 9, 2009 19:25:57 GMT -5
The only thing I had a problem with is the last 4 stanzas, the rest had good imagery and decent flow. I like it.
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Post by Fyacin on Nov 9, 2009 20:26:39 GMT -5
Not your strongest work but still good. I agree that the last 4 stanzas are weak.
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Post by Jacob on Nov 9, 2009 20:29:20 GMT -5
Loved it. Well except the last 4 stanzas.
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Post by notavailable on Nov 10, 2009 5:05:45 GMT -5
The only thing I had a problem with is the last 4 stanzas, the rest had good imagery and decent flow. The only thing I had a problem with is the last 4 stanzas, the rest had good imagery and decent flow. Loved it. Well except the last 4 stanzas. I'm noticing a trend.
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Post by clareabel on Nov 10, 2009 5:07:41 GMT -5
I think the last 4 stanzas are the sort of thing that would work set to music, but on the page they look a bit gay. I think they'd also be better if the first three were identical and the fourth one was the only different one. Overall, a good piece of work.
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Post by Shiv on Nov 10, 2009 5:08:38 GMT -5
It feels generic
Just sayin'
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Post by notavailable on Nov 10, 2009 5:12:00 GMT -5
Well in reality, this is to be set to music. Almost all of my writing is, in my head anyway.
And honesty is appreciated. This is first draft, I might go back to it.
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Post by feverstone on Nov 12, 2009 15:33:34 GMT -5
The last 4 stanzas were the best part. The rest of it should be tossed.
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Post by Ferd Berfel on Nov 13, 2009 1:18:37 GMT -5
The last 4 stanzas were the best part. The rest of it should be tossed. LOLOMGWTFBBQ UR SO FUNNY CUZ YOU TOTALLY JUST CONTRADICTED WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS SAYING LOL SO ORIGINAL LOL Get out. *clears throat* Anyway, regarding the poem: It was good, but I think it's one of your weaker works. I agree with the majority here, the last four stanzas were weaker than the rest, but the entire thing may benefit from a bit of revision. What kind of music is it going to be set to?
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Post by notavailable on Nov 13, 2009 1:22:21 GMT -5
Jacob Bannon (a la Converge) was barking this one in my head the whole time. So its safe to say something similar to that.
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Post by Ferd Berfel on Nov 13, 2009 1:44:38 GMT -5
Jacob Bannon (a la Converge) was barking this one in my head the whole time. So its safe to say something similar to that. Hmm, when I imagine it like that, it's got a good ring to it. I look forward to hearing the song.
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