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Post by Josh on Nov 23, 2009 18:39:58 GMT -5
I just finished this, tell me what you think, what it needs, and such.
I think its a solid lyric, it just needs something.
I am so weak
In this day of white
My lungs fill with aspiration
My words cannot be spoken.
My world becomes frozen in time
A cold stasis of fear
A fear of what was foretold.
I am a whisper
In the winds of December
My voice fills with a silence.
My heart cannot move.
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Post by Jacob on Nov 24, 2009 22:38:49 GMT -5
Since nobody else will, I'm gonna say, I like it, yes a little short which I assume you are planning to fix that but really it's great.
Can't give an opinion how to edit, I suck at lyrics.
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Post by Josh on Nov 24, 2009 22:44:29 GMT -5
Thanks.
I do plan on making it alittle longer.
Im just not sure how atm.
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Post by Muffy on Nov 26, 2009 4:37:47 GMT -5
I am so weak
In this day of white
My lungs fill with aspiration
My words cannot be spoken.
This is ok.
My world becomes frozen in time
A cold stasis of fear
A fear of what was foretold.
This I don't know about, I'd probably cut "My" out. I also don't understand what was foretold.
I am a whisper
In the winds of December
My voice fills with a silence.
My heart cannot move.
I like the symmetry. Maybe write another similar verse?
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Post by feverstone on Nov 26, 2009 10:39:22 GMT -5
It seems like you establish a cold/frozen feeling in the part you posted. I really like the mentioning of December. You could make three more verses focusing on "melting away," and mention a summer month. Maybe go through all the seasons. [/random idea]
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Post by Josh on Nov 26, 2009 23:03:38 GMT -5
This is what I have so far....
just a rough idea...
I am so weak
In this day of white
My lungs fill with aspiration
My words cannot be spoken.
This world is frozen in time
A cold stasis of fear
A fear of what was foretold.
I am a whisper
In the winds of winter
My voice fills with silence
My heart cannot move.
This world is set to flames
A burning fire of chaos
A chaos that will remain.
I am withering
In this day of summer
My body lies upon the pyre
My ashes are to be scattered.
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Post by feverstone on Nov 27, 2009 2:59:38 GMT -5
I like it.
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Post by Josh on Nov 27, 2009 14:05:10 GMT -5
Thanks, I think the last part can be abit better.
I shall work on it some more.
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Post by lastfirstborn on Dec 5, 2009 2:50:52 GMT -5
A little cliché at points, but you did a pretty good job carrying the themes throughout and painting a picture with them.
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