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Post by scribe on Dec 9, 2009 22:17:54 GMT -5
Basically, this is my first serious-minded set of lyrics or poem or whatever. I know it's not great but I'm hoping to improve with time, suggestions/criticism (constructive) is appreciated.
Wake up, beautiful Another nightmare begins The sun disgorged From the eastern horizon Another day spent Strangled, suffocating The immense weight Of irrelevant objectives Grinding our individuality Intellect reduced to sludge Logic is justified by will Excellence achieved Through senseless servility What sense of meaning Can be found in the life of a slave?
Excuse me, please raise your hand.
Emotion is abhorrent Refrain from substance Assignments are much too critical To be desecrated by your Opinions are worthless This is what you're worth A personalized price tag Cinched around your throat Do your best just like Everyone else The bell tolls 'Enlightened', released from Our mundane asylum Poor wretches, lost We crawl back; collapse Another dawn approaches.
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Post by Josh on Dec 9, 2009 22:37:16 GMT -5
I really like the second one more so than the first, but good nonethelesss.
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Post by scribe on Dec 9, 2009 22:38:17 GMT -5
They're both part of the same, I just used the break to emphasize a change in tone.
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Post by Josh on Dec 9, 2009 22:43:21 GMT -5
Oh I see, now it makes alittle bit more sense.
I just thought the second half has better imagery to it, but good use of vocabulary.
Id love to see more.
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Post by scribe on Dec 9, 2009 23:07:47 GMT -5
Thanks, I've been getting more into lyrics lately and am trying my hand at writing them. Hopefully I'll have more soon. The first have is written from a slightly more intellectual standpoint i think, whereas the second half I just tried to really make it something you can see. Is the topic apparent?
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Post by lastfirstborn on Dec 10, 2009 0:05:53 GMT -5
I liked it a lot.
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