Post by koihoshi on Sept 25, 2005 4:00:55 GMT -5
Stay close to God and nothing can touch you, through anything. Stray, and you will not believe the pain.
So I feel like posting this in hopes that I can help someone out there who has gone through something similar. (this is not a rant, I expect no sympathy or empathy, I don't care to hear anything like "oh sorry to hear that" or whatever, I post this in hopes of helping someone)
I won't make out a long drawn out story but I'll go into detail somewhat. I've grown up a kid with a family who grew up with very little, nothing serious to look forward to. Throughout my childhood I attended church with my family on a normal basic, and was a very strong christian throughout most of my early years as a kid into my early teen years till things got very difficult. Deaths in the family, seemingly almost like a curse family members started dying, starting with my uncle who committed suicide due to exposure to biological warfare in saudi arabia when he was stationed there. Soon after my grandma, then my grandpa of bone cancer and another grandpa of unknown causes and soon after that was my grandma. Throughout these years my family was strapped tight for money and was very drawn apart, my mother was on medications for the stress, did not let us known till I almost moved out. I was on the virge of suicidal tendencies and was struggling with faith and everything else, fell down the hole and got into the wrong crowds. Ended up being gone for long periods of time, partying, street racing heavily, drinking... a lot heavier than most my friends ever did. Things got really bad for a while. Eventually towards my senior year in high school I ended up finally getting hooked up with a girl and graduating the same time I went out with her, she ended up cheating on me the whole time I went out with her and the guy was a brother of a very good friend of mine. Once again, I was pretty devestated.
I graduated high school, became one with myself and secluded myself, longing to not be so lonely, I'm a very lonely soul, even to this date. After I moved out I ended up finding myself in night clubs, hanging out with goths, underground parties, finding myself in even worse crowds of people and ultimately finding myself the exact opposite of what I was years ago. Things seemed to finally shape up as I met someone who encouraged me to go to church once again, I felt as if my walk with God finally was taking a turn and heading in the right direction. After 3 months of meeting this girl and 4 months of a very good relationship I found myself once again going out with someone who was a blatant liar, cheated on me the whole time and then said "god said it wasn't meant to be" obviously a cop-out. I finally decided enough was enough and left myself be.
I humbled myself. It took over a year of hard times of all of this to finally realize something was wrong with me. I needed help, I didn't need a psychiatrist (I obviously wasn't crazy... well, we all are, but to an extent
) So to sort myself out I directed myself to my future. I released all stresses of worrying about relationships and my monetary values, I went job hunting, found a good company to work for and dedicated myself to bettering myself to find cridentials for my future and was working on my walk with God at the same time. Finding myself all alone with only my broken family to talk to, I found myself very humbled and grateful with what I had. Not more than 1 year later I found myself falling back in the groove, the same people, the same things, same habits. But I was seeing it and I knew it but did nothing about it. Enough was enough. I was hiding myself from the truth of realizing I couldn't do it all alone, I was using my faith as a crutch, God is not a crutch to lean on, he is our foundation, he makes the very basis in which we were created. We can lean on him, but God did not create us for leaning on him, he sent his son to die for us so we didn't have to limp through life. I finally realized this, drug the bible out of my closet and started reading. I started praying for a better life and to find the path that I needed to head to. Habits form habits, bad habits form bad habits, I had seen enough darkness, enough of my own demons (quite literally, long story) to scare a guy for one lifetime and was well aware of what is out there lurking for you. For a while picked up my guitar and tried to write about it but found myself writing about it and leaving it in poetic form rather than singing it, I gave that up for personal reasons. No more than a year later of praying hard and finally getting back into the groove of things I got a phone call from someone I had not heard from in a very long time. My friend, Katie. A friend, my best friend I knew for almost 5 years. All through high school, she helped me, was there for me, and she was going through a lot as well. We began talking again, 2 months later started going together and are now on 8 months, the happiest I've ever been. God put me with my best friend, and in love, love should be your best friend, is that not what God wishes for people? (saving for the engagement ring by the way ;D) My walk has been better and better, things are shaping up. Though I still get the creeps at night. I stood my ground in my life and conquered (still am) my demons that haunt me every day, the pains of my broken family, friends and lost loved ones. Life goes on, through all of it and through realization (ironically in the words of Zao in "Fifteen Rhema" couldn't be more accurate), through everything I found myself looking back on all the pain, everything I had endured through all of it, and though I strayed so far, I came back and held on tight, stayed on that path. Even my past that haunts me so horribly, all the things that have happened and that I've done, the things I've seen, I've stayed close to God, it's never been the same since. It's like walking into a sand storm and letting it peel your face off and then letting God go "Take my hand, trust me, you will be okay" finding yourself out of the storm, and though you were blinded in the storm, if you stay close, you have a new sense of vision you never could imagine through his forgiveness.
So for those that have endured so much and have been so close to the edge. I've lost half my loved ones, have very few relatives that are close even left, lost friends, loved ones, endured through so much pain, fallen so far, done so many horrible things and seen things I'd never wish upon anything and believe me when I say the spiritual realm IS a real one. Things get tough, but God is tougher than any of it.
I leave you with that, and leave my sore eyes to find sleep.
Goodnight and God Bless.
"Do not be wise in your own eyes. Fear the LORD and depart from evil." (Proverbs 3:7)
So I feel like posting this in hopes that I can help someone out there who has gone through something similar. (this is not a rant, I expect no sympathy or empathy, I don't care to hear anything like "oh sorry to hear that" or whatever, I post this in hopes of helping someone)
I won't make out a long drawn out story but I'll go into detail somewhat. I've grown up a kid with a family who grew up with very little, nothing serious to look forward to. Throughout my childhood I attended church with my family on a normal basic, and was a very strong christian throughout most of my early years as a kid into my early teen years till things got very difficult. Deaths in the family, seemingly almost like a curse family members started dying, starting with my uncle who committed suicide due to exposure to biological warfare in saudi arabia when he was stationed there. Soon after my grandma, then my grandpa of bone cancer and another grandpa of unknown causes and soon after that was my grandma. Throughout these years my family was strapped tight for money and was very drawn apart, my mother was on medications for the stress, did not let us known till I almost moved out. I was on the virge of suicidal tendencies and was struggling with faith and everything else, fell down the hole and got into the wrong crowds. Ended up being gone for long periods of time, partying, street racing heavily, drinking... a lot heavier than most my friends ever did. Things got really bad for a while. Eventually towards my senior year in high school I ended up finally getting hooked up with a girl and graduating the same time I went out with her, she ended up cheating on me the whole time I went out with her and the guy was a brother of a very good friend of mine. Once again, I was pretty devestated.
I graduated high school, became one with myself and secluded myself, longing to not be so lonely, I'm a very lonely soul, even to this date. After I moved out I ended up finding myself in night clubs, hanging out with goths, underground parties, finding myself in even worse crowds of people and ultimately finding myself the exact opposite of what I was years ago. Things seemed to finally shape up as I met someone who encouraged me to go to church once again, I felt as if my walk with God finally was taking a turn and heading in the right direction. After 3 months of meeting this girl and 4 months of a very good relationship I found myself once again going out with someone who was a blatant liar, cheated on me the whole time and then said "god said it wasn't meant to be" obviously a cop-out. I finally decided enough was enough and left myself be.
I humbled myself. It took over a year of hard times of all of this to finally realize something was wrong with me. I needed help, I didn't need a psychiatrist (I obviously wasn't crazy... well, we all are, but to an extent
) So to sort myself out I directed myself to my future. I released all stresses of worrying about relationships and my monetary values, I went job hunting, found a good company to work for and dedicated myself to bettering myself to find cridentials for my future and was working on my walk with God at the same time. Finding myself all alone with only my broken family to talk to, I found myself very humbled and grateful with what I had. Not more than 1 year later I found myself falling back in the groove, the same people, the same things, same habits. But I was seeing it and I knew it but did nothing about it. Enough was enough. I was hiding myself from the truth of realizing I couldn't do it all alone, I was using my faith as a crutch, God is not a crutch to lean on, he is our foundation, he makes the very basis in which we were created. We can lean on him, but God did not create us for leaning on him, he sent his son to die for us so we didn't have to limp through life. I finally realized this, drug the bible out of my closet and started reading. I started praying for a better life and to find the path that I needed to head to. Habits form habits, bad habits form bad habits, I had seen enough darkness, enough of my own demons (quite literally, long story) to scare a guy for one lifetime and was well aware of what is out there lurking for you. For a while picked up my guitar and tried to write about it but found myself writing about it and leaving it in poetic form rather than singing it, I gave that up for personal reasons. No more than a year later of praying hard and finally getting back into the groove of things I got a phone call from someone I had not heard from in a very long time. My friend, Katie. A friend, my best friend I knew for almost 5 years. All through high school, she helped me, was there for me, and she was going through a lot as well. We began talking again, 2 months later started going together and are now on 8 months, the happiest I've ever been. God put me with my best friend, and in love, love should be your best friend, is that not what God wishes for people? (saving for the engagement ring by the way ;D) My walk has been better and better, things are shaping up. Though I still get the creeps at night. I stood my ground in my life and conquered (still am) my demons that haunt me every day, the pains of my broken family, friends and lost loved ones. Life goes on, through all of it and through realization (ironically in the words of Zao in "Fifteen Rhema" couldn't be more accurate), through everything I found myself looking back on all the pain, everything I had endured through all of it, and though I strayed so far, I came back and held on tight, stayed on that path. Even my past that haunts me so horribly, all the things that have happened and that I've done, the things I've seen, I've stayed close to God, it's never been the same since. It's like walking into a sand storm and letting it peel your face off and then letting God go "Take my hand, trust me, you will be okay" finding yourself out of the storm, and though you were blinded in the storm, if you stay close, you have a new sense of vision you never could imagine through his forgiveness.So for those that have endured so much and have been so close to the edge. I've lost half my loved ones, have very few relatives that are close even left, lost friends, loved ones, endured through so much pain, fallen so far, done so many horrible things and seen things I'd never wish upon anything and believe me when I say the spiritual realm IS a real one. Things get tough, but God is tougher than any of it.
I leave you with that, and leave my sore eyes to find sleep.
Goodnight and God Bless.
"Do not be wise in your own eyes. Fear the LORD and depart from evil." (Proverbs 3:7)
