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Post by Josh on Nov 11, 2009 23:21:31 GMT -5
Something I wrote in 10 minutes, Im hoping I can build on it yet. Its kinda weak, but I want to do something with it...Ideas?
Yet another apocalypse of the mind
Another scapegoat of uncertainty
I began to cry
I began to smile
I began to unhinge my mind.
I do beg with the uttermost humility
That this demon of the mind
Stay in inside of me.
Nothing will stop my desire
Nothing will stop my transformation
I shall become so much more.
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Post by phillip on Nov 11, 2009 23:36:13 GMT -5
I don't like the triple use of the word "mind". Try to find some synonyms.
By the way, you wrote "in inside".
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Post by Josh on Nov 11, 2009 23:40:02 GMT -5
It all came to me so quickly, I had a theme of insanity or something like that.
I probably will change this one alot, like I do with most of my stuff.
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Post by alastairjohnjack on Nov 12, 2009 0:31:09 GMT -5
Please "proof read" in the future.
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Post by Fyacin on Nov 12, 2009 1:40:23 GMT -5
Sorry, I found it kind of boring.
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Post by Josh on Nov 12, 2009 1:58:04 GMT -5
Cool.
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Post by Jacob on Nov 12, 2009 13:20:04 GMT -5
I do beg with the uttermost humility
That this demon of the mind
Stay in inside of me.
That part is awesome.But overall I think it's rather boring too.
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Post by Ferd Berfel on Nov 12, 2009 14:13:12 GMT -5
Very generic and boring. I've seen this done a hundred times before.
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Post by lastfirstborn on Dec 5, 2009 2:45:25 GMT -5
Get rid of the last column and replace it with a resolution that actually lives up to the rest. Then you'll have a good poem, instead of something average with glimpses of awesomeness floating around in it.
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